Emergency Profile Intervention

It might be safe to say that I’ve been a member of match.com too long when I start writing to guys and giving them tips about their profiles, just to help out.

About once a week I go on the site, click on Search and troll for single men within a 100-mile radius of my town. It’s a sad business, let me tell you. But that’s another story. There are a number of guys who appear every week, of course, and they’re starting to seem like old friends. They’ve been on match.com as long as I have and I’ve become curious about how they’re holding up with the whole mid-life dating thing.

The profiles indicate the person’s match.com activity, such as “active within 24 hours,” or “online now,” etc. When I see that one of my old friends' profile says, “active within 3 weeks,” I know he must be seeing someone and I am stupidly pleased for him. If it is 9 p.m. on a Saturday night and it says, “online now,” I think, “Poor desperate sap, I hear ya.”

One guy in particular, LonelyinLewiston, keeps changing the main photo on his profile and that amuses me. He’s trying everything, like the fisherman who is always switching lures, never leaving the hook in the water long enough to get wet. I noticed he had posted close-up photos of his mouth and his eyes. I couldn’t help it. I had to e-mail him and ask what, "What the heck??" A brief but cheerful exchange of e-mails followed.

Recently there was a whole new group of photos on his profile, like his TV was broken one evening and he didn't have anything else to do but stage a photo shoot. Naturally, I had to e-mail and comment. I had quite a lot of free time on my hands recently, so cut me some slack.

He explained that he is trying to find a “killer photo.” He also asked whether I’d noticed that he shaved his goatee and he thought it made him look younger and what did I think? I said I liked the goatee, and he should consult me before making any other changes. He said he was thinking about dyeing his hair and his mustache, was trying to lose weight and was taking dancing lessons. What did I think about that?

Oh, heart be still! A request for advice from a man AND a time-wasting job to do. Life is good.

This is a copy of my response to LonelyinLewiston:

Oh, good! A job for the Profile Advice Patrol. I have my official hat on. Where's my security ID?

Since I'm not sure of the type of woman you're after, my task is complicated. I'm going to put women into two categories and offer advice for attracting each. Normally there would be a fee for this extra effort, but I'm feeling generous this morning.

If you want to attract the sort of woman who laughs at nothing and then doesn't get jokes, spends 2 hours on her hair, is unrecognizable without makeup, refuses to do yard work or anything that will ruin her nails, cannot carry on a conversation beyond the latest People magazine, has a name like Sissy, has 5 credit cards maxed out and is all show in public but a cold disappointment when you're alone:
By all means, dye the hair and goatee, lose the weight, get a pair of shiny black cowboy boots and a thick gold necklace. Leave your shirt unbuttoned. An earring would be perfect, too. Oh, and post a photo of yourself just out of the shower wearing only a towel. There are a lot of those on match.com. And in your profile, mention your annual trips to Cancun, your Porsche and your home in Palm Springs, whether true or not.

If you're looking for a real woman who has a brain, is funny, is a good companion whether you're camping, working in the yard or attending a concert in Spokane, looks like herself whether she's dolled up or not, can talk about anything you want to talk about, and loves to turn it on just for you:
Be happy with yourself. Don't worry about extra pounds unless your doctor says differently. Don't dye anything. Grow the goatee back since you obviously enjoyed having it for 10 years. Be the best you, inside and out.

Think carefully about who you want to attract and go from there. Let me warn you, though. If you choose Bachelorette #1, expect a long relationship with match.com.

On a more practical note. Whether you're on your way to buy hair dye or not, try a photo without the jacket, wearing the blue button-up shirt. You look good in blue. It brightens your face and accentuates your eyes. The blue shirt with a friendly smile would be a killer photo. Can't wait to see it!

This concludes the emergency profile intervention. Good luck! -k

LonelyinLewiston’s response 2 days later:

K - Thanks for all the great advice….you are very funny and have a gift for writing. However, to confuse things (especially me) I think I am looking for a woman with some characteristics of both categories. Physical attraction is huge for me. I know….I’m bad, bad, bad. I want a woman who wants to look great…and does, but also one that is fairly intelligent, financially responsible, willing to get dirty on a 4 wheeler or sweat a little in the yard, can be a blast in public and is wonderful behind closed doors too.

I guess I want to look physically good too….at least as good as I can. It’s easy for guys to kind of let themselves go in their 40’s ….gain weight….not dress well….not take care of hair, etc. Then, when you are single and looking…you find you need to pick up the pace a little. My ex always liked me in blue…….brings out my eyes she said too. So, I should be listening…… I will try and get a new pic on.

Yea, so LonelyinLewiston is a lost cause, honestly. He didn’t get the sarcasm and is probably already admiring his gold chain in the mirror while he does a home dye job on his hair and beard. Probably has NASCAR blaring on the big screen TV in the background. Dreamboat.

I’m going to have to give up on LonelyinLewiston. Cut him loose. Acknowledging the truth is the first step toward change, and he clearly isn’t going to get there without a 2x4 on the back of his head. And I don’t know where he lives. And that might be considered a misdemeanor, anyway.

But there are thousands more on match.com who need Emergency Profile Intervention. Who’s next? There’s a guy who says, “No offense, but fat girls shouldn’t bother contacting me.” While that is very insulting, it is also a crystal-clear glimpse into his shallow personality, so he’s doing us women a big favor. Dare I e-mail to find out whether ANYONE is contacting him at all? I’m just dying to find out.

He's one who definitely needs my services. One of So Many...