An engagement! or Be a horrible mother-in-law in 4 easy steps

My oldest son called this week to tell me that he is engaged. While I couldn't be more tickled, I confess their marriage will turn me into something I fear.

I shall become … a MOTHER-IN-LAW.

I’m not sure I know how to be a good mother-in-law. I have a good idea how to be a bad one, however.

FOUR EASY STEPS TO A HORRIBLE MOTHER-IN-LAW
1. Be over-involved. Insist on being in control of each decision the young couple makes, starting with the wedding and continuing through the selection of baby names, furniture purchases, bed-making and bathroom cleaning routines, etc. Invite yourself along on her shopping expeditions so you can monitor purchases and steer her away from frivolous spending.
2. Be critical. Make sure everyone knows that your daughter-in-law is not measuring up to your standards, and discuss her faults with everyone in your circle, including your hairdresser and the guy who details your car. If the mother of one of her friends is part of your coffee clutch, that would be a wonderful opportunity to get your message delivered without having to confront her personally.
3. Be exclusive. Be sure to maintain close relationships with your sons and daughters that openly exclude new members of the family, making sure they know they are not “one of us.” After all, you were a family long before she came along. Relate stories of your son’s old girlfriends. If you can manage a misty eye when describing one of your favorites who got away, all the better.
4. Be controlling. Your son owes you. When you know they have a special event to attend, phone them just as they are leaving. Tell your son that you are a bit dizzy and don’t feel well enough to cook and could they pick up some take-out and bring it over to you on their way to the event? If it isn’t too much trouble? And when he runs in with the Styrofoam to-go box, holding it carefully away from his nice clothes, tell him about the telemarketers you’ve been visiting with and all the neat things you have coming in the mail. Your daughter-in-law won’t mind waiting out in the car. She can use the time to make a decent grocery list so she doesn’t have to go to the store every single day, wasting your son’s money.

In my nightmares, I see Kate, hand over phone, eyes crossed, lips curled: "It's your mother. She says she's coming to visit. Quick. Think of something! Anything!"

What are my chances of avoiding the status of Horrible Mother-in-law?

I think my chances are good, actually. I love Kate and have been expecting this wonderful announcement for about four years. I am so happy to think of her as part of our family. He hardly deserves her, to tell you the truth. It won’t be hard to think of her as another daughter, and Matt won’t allow me to be controlling or over-involved. He just won't. I think I’ll be OK. Thank you, Matt.