Things that make us smile

A dachsund puppy named Pickles

A nap in a patch of sun on a cold day,

especially if your name is Pickles

Laughing until your stomach hurts.

(Wait. Are those abs?? I have abs?)

A warm, gooey brownie

(Hence the issue with abs.)

The sound of rain on the roof.

The smell of ripe wheat on a summer evening

Getting a surprise discount at the checkstand

Kittens at war with a piece of string.

Quail.

What makes you smile?

There's always hope, and you can get it on auto-delivery

I know what you're thinkin' and I'm thinkin' it, too. Philosophy makes "hope in a jar" for your face and "hope in a tube" for your delicate eye area. Why not....?

I think we've got something here, ladies.

A shiny new apple in the old produce section

This weekend, while the rest of you were playing and being irresponsible, I was busy reading match.com profiles and looking for the next subject of the Pig in Flight, Inc. Emergency Makeover.

The line of wannabees goes around the block, downtown and then doubles back, girlfriends. So much NASCAR, so many Harleys, so many “toned and fit” guys looking for toned and attractive women to take to exotic places, share gym memberships and kick back enjoy a cold one in cozy out-of-the-way dives; so many tank shirts on men who shouldn’t be wearing tanks; so many sleeveless tees, knit shorts and beer cans; so much gray hair foaming out of unbuttoned shirts.

Oh my. I’m considering hiring on additional staff. The cries for help are overwhelming; I’m only one soaring swine and there are only so many hours in a day.

Imagine my delight when I spotted the photo of a normal-looking guy. He was balding and had twinkling blue eyes like he was caught in the middle of a great laugh. I clicked on him and looked at the rest of his photos. Very normal – no “sexy” leers, no golden eagles nestled in gray chest hairs (it’s OK if they have it; it isn’t OK if they think it is a turn-on.), no beers balanced on bellies…Just a guy playing with his dog, standing with his daughter at her graduation, picking up shells on the beach and at his kitchen sink washing dishes. (Is that really playing fair???)

And his profile was well-written, too. He sounded like someone I’d really like to know. He likes the kind of music I like, is well-read and likes to do the same sorts of things I like to do. He spoke of physical attraction but said that an intellectual and emotional connection were the basis for any real and lasting relationship. He was funny and I got the impression he is confident enough that he doesn’t need to lie on his match.com profile. He knows he’s a good catch.

Again, I couldn’t resist. I had to e-mail him:

IDGuy,
Finally, a guy who isn't featured in the lobby of the post office. I have to tell you that reading your profile made my afternoon and restored my hope. Wait. I think I might actually be smiling. Yes, I am.

Your well-written profile and photos are the shiny, crisp, in-season Red Delicious apples in the otherwise old and mushy produce department of match.com at the moment.I'm sure I speak for all the women on the site when I say, "Thank you, IDGuy."

Naturally, I was absolutely sure he was going to take one look at my stellar profile and gorgeous photos and call match.com to cancel his membership before packing an overnight bag and heading straight for Grangeville to claim the woman of his dreams.

Naturally, I was mistaken.

Thanks for the kind words. At our age we should know exactly what we want and don't want. I've met some "interesting ladies" through Match, yet I'm still looking....go figure. : )Best of luck with your search.

Call me stunned. How could I be on someone's "don't want" list? Is it possible someone is conducting an Emergency Profile Makeover on moi???

So I had a couple handfuls of M&Ms and got back to work. That’s what I get for trying to mix business with pleasure.

Coolin' my dogs

A couple of days ago I found myself in a town with a mall. Although I wasn’t wearing proper supportive footwear for shopping, and knew I’d pay for it, I was like a little kid who can’t resist seeing if a bean will fit in his nose. It was calling me.

I didn't stop shopping until I was starting to actually limp and then I drug my huge, swollen tender dogs to the pickup and called it a day. They whimpered all the way home, “I hope you’re happy. Walking and standing around on cement floors for hours and all you have to show for it is a picture frame?! I hope you’re proud of yourself. After all we do for you...” Whimper, sniff……

I didn’t sleep well that night, waking frequently to the burning and throbbing of my feet. I dreamed that Al Gore had traced Global Warming right to my size 11s.

The next morning I added insult to injury by walking on the treadmill. Imagine the yelping and howling as my poor feet carried 300 pounds of blubber for 30 minutes with no destination. “What?! We’re still here? Half an hour of pounding and we’re still here??”

The dogs were BARKIN’, Baby! What my feet didn’t know, though, was that while I was torturing them on the treadmill, I was hatching a stellar idea.

Before I settled at my desk for the morning, I scooped snow from a snow drift in my backyard and filled a dish pan. I put the whole shebang inside a garbage bag, put on socks and invited my dogs to hop in and settle onto the cool decadence. Oh yea….the dogs were smiling then.

My last thought before falling asleep last night was, “Oh goody, I get to do the snow-in-the-dish-pan thing again tomorrow!” My life is quite full, isn’t it?

The only thing that is somewhat spoiling my bliss is the awareness that spring will come. Where will I get the icy answer to my dreams then? Anyone know of a used snow cone machine I can get for cheap?

What's that? I could use that piggy scoop for ice cream? You don't say. Hmmm. I'll have to try that sometime.

Emergency Profile Intervention

It might be safe to say that I’ve been a member of match.com too long when I start writing to guys and giving them tips about their profiles, just to help out.

About once a week I go on the site, click on Search and troll for single men within a 100-mile radius of my town. It’s a sad business, let me tell you. But that’s another story. There are a number of guys who appear every week, of course, and they’re starting to seem like old friends. They’ve been on match.com as long as I have and I’ve become curious about how they’re holding up with the whole mid-life dating thing.

The profiles indicate the person’s match.com activity, such as “active within 24 hours,” or “online now,” etc. When I see that one of my old friends' profile says, “active within 3 weeks,” I know he must be seeing someone and I am stupidly pleased for him. If it is 9 p.m. on a Saturday night and it says, “online now,” I think, “Poor desperate sap, I hear ya.”

One guy in particular, LonelyinLewiston, keeps changing the main photo on his profile and that amuses me. He’s trying everything, like the fisherman who is always switching lures, never leaving the hook in the water long enough to get wet. I noticed he had posted close-up photos of his mouth and his eyes. I couldn’t help it. I had to e-mail him and ask what, "What the heck??" A brief but cheerful exchange of e-mails followed.

Recently there was a whole new group of photos on his profile, like his TV was broken one evening and he didn't have anything else to do but stage a photo shoot. Naturally, I had to e-mail and comment. I had quite a lot of free time on my hands recently, so cut me some slack.

He explained that he is trying to find a “killer photo.” He also asked whether I’d noticed that he shaved his goatee and he thought it made him look younger and what did I think? I said I liked the goatee, and he should consult me before making any other changes. He said he was thinking about dyeing his hair and his mustache, was trying to lose weight and was taking dancing lessons. What did I think about that?

Oh, heart be still! A request for advice from a man AND a time-wasting job to do. Life is good.

This is a copy of my response to LonelyinLewiston:

Oh, good! A job for the Profile Advice Patrol. I have my official hat on. Where's my security ID?

Since I'm not sure of the type of woman you're after, my task is complicated. I'm going to put women into two categories and offer advice for attracting each. Normally there would be a fee for this extra effort, but I'm feeling generous this morning.

If you want to attract the sort of woman who laughs at nothing and then doesn't get jokes, spends 2 hours on her hair, is unrecognizable without makeup, refuses to do yard work or anything that will ruin her nails, cannot carry on a conversation beyond the latest People magazine, has a name like Sissy, has 5 credit cards maxed out and is all show in public but a cold disappointment when you're alone:
By all means, dye the hair and goatee, lose the weight, get a pair of shiny black cowboy boots and a thick gold necklace. Leave your shirt unbuttoned. An earring would be perfect, too. Oh, and post a photo of yourself just out of the shower wearing only a towel. There are a lot of those on match.com. And in your profile, mention your annual trips to Cancun, your Porsche and your home in Palm Springs, whether true or not.

If you're looking for a real woman who has a brain, is funny, is a good companion whether you're camping, working in the yard or attending a concert in Spokane, looks like herself whether she's dolled up or not, can talk about anything you want to talk about, and loves to turn it on just for you:
Be happy with yourself. Don't worry about extra pounds unless your doctor says differently. Don't dye anything. Grow the goatee back since you obviously enjoyed having it for 10 years. Be the best you, inside and out.

Think carefully about who you want to attract and go from there. Let me warn you, though. If you choose Bachelorette #1, expect a long relationship with match.com.

On a more practical note. Whether you're on your way to buy hair dye or not, try a photo without the jacket, wearing the blue button-up shirt. You look good in blue. It brightens your face and accentuates your eyes. The blue shirt with a friendly smile would be a killer photo. Can't wait to see it!

This concludes the emergency profile intervention. Good luck! -k

LonelyinLewiston’s response 2 days later:

K - Thanks for all the great advice….you are very funny and have a gift for writing. However, to confuse things (especially me) I think I am looking for a woman with some characteristics of both categories. Physical attraction is huge for me. I know….I’m bad, bad, bad. I want a woman who wants to look great…and does, but also one that is fairly intelligent, financially responsible, willing to get dirty on a 4 wheeler or sweat a little in the yard, can be a blast in public and is wonderful behind closed doors too.

I guess I want to look physically good too….at least as good as I can. It’s easy for guys to kind of let themselves go in their 40’s ….gain weight….not dress well….not take care of hair, etc. Then, when you are single and looking…you find you need to pick up the pace a little. My ex always liked me in blue…….brings out my eyes she said too. So, I should be listening…… I will try and get a new pic on.

Yea, so LonelyinLewiston is a lost cause, honestly. He didn’t get the sarcasm and is probably already admiring his gold chain in the mirror while he does a home dye job on his hair and beard. Probably has NASCAR blaring on the big screen TV in the background. Dreamboat.

I’m going to have to give up on LonelyinLewiston. Cut him loose. Acknowledging the truth is the first step toward change, and he clearly isn’t going to get there without a 2x4 on the back of his head. And I don’t know where he lives. And that might be considered a misdemeanor, anyway.

But there are thousands more on match.com who need Emergency Profile Intervention. Who’s next? There’s a guy who says, “No offense, but fat girls shouldn’t bother contacting me.” While that is very insulting, it is also a crystal-clear glimpse into his shallow personality, so he’s doing us women a big favor. Dare I e-mail to find out whether ANYONE is contacting him at all? I’m just dying to find out.

He's one who definitely needs my services. One of So Many...

The roller-coaster world of match.com or Why you should hang onto your husband

I’ve been a starry-eyed devotee of http://www.match.com/ for an entire year. That should tell you a lot about me and my stubborn insistence on the happily-ever-after scenario right there An entire year of repeatedly checking to see who’s looking at my profile, who’s new, who’s winking at me, and so on. I study men’s profiles seriously, looking for the ones who seem normal and who seem to be looking for someone normal, as well. I read with an open mind, usually having to dip generously from the Benefit of the Doubt jar, which is my specialty.

Sometimes, however, a profile jumps out at me and restores my faith and interest in men. Justagoodguy is attractive, seems bright, has a job, plays the piano and is a voracious reader. He’s looking for a stable life partner who is willing to connect on a deep emotional level. He loves dogs and children and the simple things in life like sitting on his deck with a cup of coffee and watching the sun come up. He’s not into the bar scene and prefers quiet evenings at home with his lady. If he includes “full-figured” or “a few extra pounds” in the list of qualities he likes in a woman, I’m picking out my trousseau.

Those moments of bliss are usually short-lived, however.

I bravely send Justagoodguy a short friendly e-mail, expecting it to be received with equal feelings of “Ah ha! Finally!”

And then I wait. Finally I shut the computer down and go to bed. Nothing from Justagoodguy in my Inbox the next day. Or the next. A week goes by. Maybe he’s on vacation. Two weeks pass without acknowledgement of my symbolic extended hand.

By then my disappointment has turned to anger. If he isn’t interested, why not respond with a simple, “No thanks.” Or, do like I do when I get a wink or an e-mail from someone I’m not interested in: Lie. I say, “You seem like someone I’d like to know, but I’m pursuing another relationship right now. Thank you for your interest in me. Good luck in your search.” A polite and inoffensive acknowledgement of their expression of interest in me. It’s just common courtesy. Maybe the guy gets so many winks that he doesn’t have time to acknowledge all of them. Or maybe he just doesn’t have any manners.

I delete Justagoodguy from my “Favorites” list with a loud Click and push the Search button to look for other possible matches within a 100-mile radius of my home.

Oh! Here’s one! LMG1955 is a professor at a local university. He’s 6’3”, has been divorced for seven years and is tired of living alone and craves the sweet companionship only a woman can provide. He has a lot to offer the right woman. Loves cuddling on the couch in front of a roaring fire on a crisp fall evening…

An engagement! or Be a horrible mother-in-law in 4 easy steps

My oldest son called this week to tell me that he is engaged. While I couldn't be more tickled, I confess their marriage will turn me into something I fear.

I shall become … a MOTHER-IN-LAW.

I’m not sure I know how to be a good mother-in-law. I have a good idea how to be a bad one, however.

FOUR EASY STEPS TO A HORRIBLE MOTHER-IN-LAW
1. Be over-involved. Insist on being in control of each decision the young couple makes, starting with the wedding and continuing through the selection of baby names, furniture purchases, bed-making and bathroom cleaning routines, etc. Invite yourself along on her shopping expeditions so you can monitor purchases and steer her away from frivolous spending.
2. Be critical. Make sure everyone knows that your daughter-in-law is not measuring up to your standards, and discuss her faults with everyone in your circle, including your hairdresser and the guy who details your car. If the mother of one of her friends is part of your coffee clutch, that would be a wonderful opportunity to get your message delivered without having to confront her personally.
3. Be exclusive. Be sure to maintain close relationships with your sons and daughters that openly exclude new members of the family, making sure they know they are not “one of us.” After all, you were a family long before she came along. Relate stories of your son’s old girlfriends. If you can manage a misty eye when describing one of your favorites who got away, all the better.
4. Be controlling. Your son owes you. When you know they have a special event to attend, phone them just as they are leaving. Tell your son that you are a bit dizzy and don’t feel well enough to cook and could they pick up some take-out and bring it over to you on their way to the event? If it isn’t too much trouble? And when he runs in with the Styrofoam to-go box, holding it carefully away from his nice clothes, tell him about the telemarketers you’ve been visiting with and all the neat things you have coming in the mail. Your daughter-in-law won’t mind waiting out in the car. She can use the time to make a decent grocery list so she doesn’t have to go to the store every single day, wasting your son’s money.

In my nightmares, I see Kate, hand over phone, eyes crossed, lips curled: "It's your mother. She says she's coming to visit. Quick. Think of something! Anything!"

What are my chances of avoiding the status of Horrible Mother-in-law?

I think my chances are good, actually. I love Kate and have been expecting this wonderful announcement for about four years. I am so happy to think of her as part of our family. He hardly deserves her, to tell you the truth. It won’t be hard to think of her as another daughter, and Matt won’t allow me to be controlling or over-involved. He just won't. I think I’ll be OK. Thank you, Matt.