Are the good ones afraid of me?

My dad once told me that guys were afraid of me, and that anyone who wasn't afraid of me just wasn't smart enough to know better.

I hope that explains why I seem to be attracting the bottom feeders lately. That sounds so mean, but you should see these guys. Unshaven, sloppy, shoes untied, shirts untucked, dumb as tapioca, goofy laughs, rancid breath...

I try to be nice because I feel sorry for them, and what does it get me? Twenty desk walk-bys during the day and covert looks of speculation and assessment-- like they are considering whether they should splurge and take me out for Gordita Grandes at Taco Johns after work. One guy even tried to call me but I have Caller ID.

And if they do ask me out, I won't hurt their feelings, so I'll make up some story about why I can't go -- elective surgery, visiting relatives, sudden-onset measles, etc. They'll walk away thinking that I really am interested but I just can't work them in. Ugh. And all because I was nice. When will I learn?

On the other hand, there is a guy at work who is tall, smart, funny and really nice. He ties his shoes, tucks in his shirts and brushes his teeth. I'd go out with him in a heartbeat and I've done just about everything but throw myself at his feet. Does he walk by my desk and cast longing looks at me? No.

I'm hoping it is because he's scared of me, and not because he thinks I'm a bottom feeder. That would serve me right.

Sister outfits

My sister, Kelly, and I took a grant writing class tonight. Imagine my surprise when I walked in and spotted her. We were wearing the very same outfit: white blouse with white tank top underneath, dark jeans, sandals and even a toe ring. Honestly! That has never happened with us before.

We were almost too embarassed to walk into the classroom, but we tossed our heads and sashayed in, pretending we didn't know we were dressed like twins.

That's FRATERNAL twins. And I was born WAY before her and got lots more to eat.

A Friend with Benefits

A friend with benefits. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea.

I don’t want someone who comes over every single night to wear out the end cushion on my couch and take over the remote control. I don’t want someone who expects me to attend all his family’s gatherings. I don’t want someone whose opinion I have to consider when getting a new haircut, or someone who questions my shaky money management skills.

I don’t want to expect support and encouragement and not get it.

I just want someone to occasionally look across the table adoringly. Someone to spend a sunny Saturday with, geocaching or panning for gold or even fishing. Someone to call when I have a funny story to share. Someone to kiss me senseless and tell me I’m wonderful.

Wanting all those lovely aspects of a relationship but still wanting to keep someone at arm’s length… Have I absorbed an unhealthy dose of testosterone somehow?? Can you pick that up from a public toilet?

That sounds so distinctly MALE. In fact, I sound exactly like the sort of men we single women despise.

What’s next? Spitting in public? Dirty underwear on the floor? Training my dog to get me a beer?
“Pull my finger!”

Husky girls rule

I found this morsel in a 1943 story listing eleven tips on hiring and getting more efficiency out of women employees:

“General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who are just a little on the heavy side – are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.”

I have nothing further to say.

My retirement plan

I wish I’d been more ambitious up to this point in my life.

I had no desire to have a career that was all about making my mark in the world and making a difference. I was deliriously happy to be an at-home mom pouring all my energies into making a home and nurturing three great kids. That was my mark in the world.

I’ve always been satisfied with “good enough,” and while that attitude has allowed me to enjoy a relaxed and contented life, it doesn’t help a girl build her 401(k) or enable her to look forward to her retirement years with any anticipation. I’m pretty sure I’ll have to walk dogs and take in washing to make ends meet.

Other people are in dismay over the state of their 401(k) plans and the money they’ve lost. I lost about $23. That’s less than the late fee I paid last month on my credit card bill.

So, I’ve got my binoculars out. I’m watching for my knight in shining armor. When he appears on the horizon, he’s going to be riding a fat investment portfolio and dragging bag of gold.

Good luck to me.